Let’s be honest ... Most of us were raised to believe that the way to be attractive was to be as universally pleasing (read: bland) as possible. Don’t be too loud, too weird, too opinionated. And definitely don’t let anyone know you spend your weekends reciting Burns poetry or tracking migratory seabirds.
But when it comes to dating, especially in midlife, that advice is exactly what doesn’t work. Which is why I'm publishing this guest post from Mairi Macleod PhD, behavioural scientist, dating coach, and all-round voice of reason when it comes to modern dating for women over 50.
Mairi Macleod, Behavioural Scientist
Mairi’s Dating Evolved program offers a genuinely refreshing approach that so many of my dating photography clients have found incredibly useful—because it’s not about pretending, it’s about connecting
Over to Mairi ...
Why owning your oddities is the best dating strategy
The pressure to conform
Before we began working together, my client Rosie posted this rather despairing message in our Facebook Group:
“I know I want to find a good partner, but I have no confidence that any decent men will find me attractive. There are far more beautiful women out there – how on earth can I compete with them?!”
It’s a concern I hear time and again from women coming into the Dating Evolved community – and one that’s particularly persistent at our stage in life, thanks to a media diet that insists we need to be (a) youthful, and (b) resemble Anne Hathaway or Scarlett Johansson circa 2005 in order to be seen as desirable.
Why trying to appeal to everyone doesn’t work
This belief often pushes women to try to maximise their conventional attractiveness – smoothing out any so-called flaws, downplaying their quirks, and generally trying to appeal to the widest possible male audience.
But this strategy is likely to backfire.
Because you’re not looking for just any man. You’re looking for your man – the one who’s drawn to who you actually are. The one who sees your individuality not as a drawback, but as the very thing that makes you captivating.
What the research says
And science backs this up.
There’s a robust body of research showing that it’s our quirks – those distinctive traits, interests, or idiosyncrasies – that are most important in attracting the people who’ll suit us best in a relationship.
“Uniqueness”, in the research literature, refers to the degree to which one person rates someone higher (or lower) than the consensus. So if you find yourself attracted to a person most other people barely notice, it suggests that you’re tuning into qualities that others overlook.
These qualities can be wide-ranging – maybe it’s a particular personality trait, or a specific physique, or a niche passion.
The Sally example
Let’s imagine a woman called Sally. She’s a physicist with a deep love of her subject. First impressions give her an average score of 6 out of 10 from men. But as people get to know her, the ratings diverge dramatically. Bob, who’s all about football and finds scientific chat tedious, rates her a 3. But Eddie, a fellow geek with a love of quantum mechanics, is smitten – and gives her a 9.
Attraction gets more personal over time
In a fascinating study by relationship psychologists Paul Eastwick and Lucy Hunt, students were asked to rate each other’s attractiveness at the start and end of a university course. Initially, their ratings aligned pretty closely – they all agreed who the “hot” people were. But after spending three months getting to know one another, those ratings scattered. People began to rate others more subjectively, based on their unique connections and preferences.
In other words, our opinions on who we fancy diverge over time – once we get past surface-level impressions and discover the more personal, often more meaningful, traits.
Why quirks work online too
And this doesn’t just apply in real-life situations. There’s solid evidence that revealing your quirks in online dating can actually give you an edge.
In his book Dataclysm, OKCupid founder Christian Rudder analysed the data and found that people who provoke mixed reactions – those who are really liked by some and dismissed by others – tend to get more messages than those with broad appeal.
In essence, being quirky is far better than being meh.
This is because expressing your individuality online signals something specific – and while it might repel many, it magnetises the right people. And that’s exactly what you want.
Stop hiding the good stuff
So when you’re writing your dating profile – or even just showing up for a date – don’t try to blandify yourself. Don’t worry about pleasing the crowd. Highlight your oddities. Talk about your passions. Let your quirks shine through.
As Rudder puts it:
“To be universally liked is to be relatively ignored.”
Trying to be blandly appealing puts you in competition with every other woman. But when you show who you really are, you take yourself out of that competition entirely. You’re no longer trying to appeal to everyone – you’re signalling to the men who are most likely to get you.
Unique mate value vs. universal appeal
Let’s break this down a bit.
In evolutionary psychology, we talk about “mate value” – essentially how appealing someone is in the romantic marketplace. There’s what’s called consensual mate value – the sort of universal appeal that celebrities like Hathaway and Johansson have. But then there’s unique mate value – the appeal you have for a specific person because of your quirks and character.
When someone rates you far more highly than others do, it’s likely because something about you speaks directly to them. And if that level of unique attraction becomes strong enough, it can tip into lasting love – because they see you as irreplaceable.
From theory to results: Rosie's story
In Module 1 of the Dating Evolved online course "How to Find Your Man – for Women Over 50” I demonstrate how to work out your own unique quirks and idiosyncrasies, and during a personal Dating Profile Review, I help clients weave these into their online dating profile – and this delivers great results!
Take Rosie, the client I mentioned earlier:
She’s passionate about long-distance walking – proper epic hikes. So I encouraged her to share this in her dating profile, and she included a vivid description of a trek in Corsica: clambering over rocky trails in the dusky light, the village lights shimmering below.
The result? She got several messages from men who appreciated the imagery and were intrigued by her spirit. And sure, she put off the Netflix-and-couch types, but that’s exactly the point. Those men would have been a rubbish match.
The best thing for Rosie though was that one man got in touch to say he’d done the exact same Corsican trail. They met up – and now they’re dating and, I’m guessing, clocking up plenty of miles together. It’s early days, but she’s happier than ever.
So – what about your quirks?
Are you a jazz fanatic? A cold-water swimmer? Do you get nerdy about birdwatching, poetry, Formula One?
What lights you up – and why?
Let your passions come through. Embrace your individuality. Not everyone will love your quirks – but the right men will. And those are the only men you want to attract.
The beautiful irony is that the more unapologetically you you are, the more your confidence grows. And that confidence will make you shine.
Own your uniqueness – and watch how the right man is drawn to it.
Mairi Macleod PhD, behavioural scientist and dating coach for women over 50
This is exactly why I love working with women who are dating in midlife. Your quirks, your passions, the years you’ve lived, and the things that make you light up ... they’re not obstacles. They’re assets. They’re what help the right people recognise you.
And while I’m not dating (my husband would probably have something to say about that!), if I were, you’d absolutely find “bagpipes and 80s rock” in my bio. Because the people who get it are YOUR people. The rest can scroll on.
If you’re ready for dating profile photos that show the real you - confident, natural, and completely un-bland - get in touch with me. I’ll help you show up in a way that feels like you at your best, not some filtered version of who you think you're supposed to be. Find out more about how my dating profile photography service works.
Sign up for the next free masterclass here
If what Mairi shared here hit home, definitely check out her Dating Evolved program. It’s a smart, honest, and properly useful resource for women over 50 who want to date with confidence and clarity.
If you’d like more of her insight (and let’s face it, why wouldn’t you?), she regularly runs free online masterclasses for women over 50 who want a smart, science-backed approach to dating.
They’re packed with practical advice on everything from writing a profile that actually works to spotting the men who are worth your time. No pressure to be on camera, there’s always a replay, and you’ll leave feeling far better equipped to navigate the dating world with confidence.
